It happens in an instant.
You’re at the park. Children are laughing, sharing, running wild with the joy only childhood allows. Then a child, in full voice and innocence, points to another child and says:
“That black boy shared his toy with me!”
The parent freezes.
Maybe she felt eyes on her. Maybe she felt embarrassed, unsure of what to say. She instinctively, hushed her child and steered him away. After all, she didn’t mean to make things awkward. You just probably didn’t know how to respond.
But that moment — the one that was shut down — was actually the perfect teaching opportunity. We see the same thing play out in classrooms, staff rooms, clinical settings and boardrooms.
The Missed Opportunity
When we silence children in these moments, what are we teaching them?
We’re telling them (without meaning to) that mentioning skin colour is wrong. That naming peoples’ differences is shameful. That noticing someone is Black (or any other aspect of their observable identity) is something we shouldn’t talk about.
That child who showed generosity in offering a toy, trying to build connection and kindness, is instead rejected, isolated and not to be interacted with.
Children notice difference. And they should, as we all should. It’s part of how they learn about the world. The key is not in teaching them not to see colour and responding with shame, but in helping them understand what it means — and more importantly, what it doesn’t mean.
A Better Response
Instead of saying:
“Shush, you can’t say that!”
Try this:
“That’s very kind of that boy. Yes, he is a Black child, but it’s nice to think about others not just by the colour of their skin. I wonder what his name is? It would be nice to know his name for next time you may play together. What would you call your skin colour?”
In that moment, you’ve:
- Normalised talking about sameness and difference
- Affirmed kindness and sharing as the central value and positive qualities demonstrated in the child
- Humanised others that are different to you by shifting the focus from skin colour to finding out their name, interests, talents and connection
- Acknowledged difference without shame or dehumanisation
- Encouraged respectful curiosity, friendship and social skill development
You’ve taken a moment of discomfort and turned it into connection – both between children and between parent and child.
Why This Matters
Children aren’t born with bias. But they’re not born “colour-blind” either – that’s a myth. They observe and absorb everything. When we hush them, we leave space for confusion, assumptions and perpetuating harmful messaging. When we speak honestly, we help them build respect, empathy, and self-awareness.
Let’s not be so afraid of “saying the wrong thing” that we say nothing at all.
Final Thoughts
These little moments — in parks, on sidewalks, in classrooms — are golden. They’re unscripted, real-time teaching opportunities. And how we handle them matters deeply.
So next time a child in your care points out difference, don’t shut it down. Lean in. Name it. Frame it. Teach through it.
Because that’s how we raise children who see difference, value it, and treat others — and themselves – with dignity, respect and kindness.
Have you had a moment like this with your child or a child you work with? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments – let’s learn from one another.