I recently took my son to a birthday party and it quickly became apparent there were no other Black or brown faces there, other than us. In London. In 2025. Out of 20 kids and around 30 parents…let that sink in. There have been plenty of other similar occasions, so this wasn’t a one off or happened for some random reason on that particular day. I literally felt the heads turn when we walked in, parents I didn’t know nudging each other wondering how we got invited. Some reading this probably think I’m ‘playing the race card’ or am overly paranoid. But to me, it didn’t feel like a coincidence. It was a carefully curated network of white, middle class, able-bodied peers for pre-schoolers to socialise with, aimed at unapologetically upholding elitism and white supremacy.
In my mind, this level of homogeneity performs deeper social narratives about race and social difference which play out in how children from the party to the playground interact with ‘people like us’ as though we are some kind of brown-skinned aliens just landed, who may or may not be welcome on this planet of suburban London.
It was actually a really sobering and emotional moment for me, the mother of three Black sons, raising them in this same part of London. I wanted to just give a big squeeze to my four-year-old self, who navigated that same environment as a child and was always the ‘only’ at parties, at school, at clubs, in my peer group and later in work teams…it goes on. What impact does this have on a child’s self-esteem and sense of self? My usually sociable, confident, exuberantly joyful, innocent child refused to engage with the party activities or interact with anyone there. He was terrified of the entertainer who was dressed as a clown (another racially derived symbol of entertainment) and clung tightly to me nervously for the whole 90 minutes. I couldn’t wait to get out and go back to where I came from (which was the more diverse side of the borough!) Fast forward two months and we were in Ghana – the antidote to that party. My children experiencing the soul-nourishing motherland for the first time and it had the opposite impact on their confidence and identity. The joy, the affirmation, the sense of worthiness, the freedom, being part of the majority – was indescribable.
It got me thinking…how can we expect this next generation to embrace, celebrate, value and respect people from different social, economic, religious and cultural backgrounds from us if they’ve never been exposed to any kind of diversity…like ever. Is it any surprise then, when my child starts school and is asked “how come your skin is brown like poo?” out of genuine curiosity and novelty? Unsurprising too, when the teacher doesn’t know how to respond to such comments, awkwardly dismissing the child that they shouldn’t say things like that before distracting the other children to play something else, rather than understanding children need to be taught explicitly and factually about why people have different skin tones, different cultures and anti-racist messaging. How can we expect some parents to be receptive to challenge when I phone them directly to explain that their child used racially derogatory language in the playground to my child and it’s not okay. I have to intervene personally because my concern is fobbed off by school as an unkind mistake. No excuses but highlighting how this intolerance and rejection of people from different racial backgrounds starts and continues to flourish in a broken system. Anti-racism education and behavioural modelling needs to start at home and in nurseries. As parents or educators, avoidance or neutrality is harmful, as explicitly or implicitly, children are being taught who is welcome at the party and who is not from their first social encounters. I’ve had to talk to my children about equality, inclusion, race and racism from a young age and this only makes a difference if everyone does the same. It’s exhausting, heartbreaking, innocence shattering and anxiety-provoking in equal measures.
I came up with some reflective questions all white parents should ask themselves to be decent, genuinely inclusive and respectful anti-racist allies:
- Think about who your children see you socialising with. What messaging does this send your child about what type of people you value and include and which type you exclude, reject and avoid?
- Who do you and do you not deem worthy to invite on playdates and to parties? How do you encourage your children to play with children from a diverse range of backgrounds that may differ from your social preferences.
- Reflect on whether your child’s classmates and teacher look like them. How is that experienced by them? Where can your child access a more diverse range of peer and adult role models?
- Does your child access to books that have Black or brown main characters?
- Audit how diverse are the toys in your home/ child’s nursery or school? Buy or borrow resources to fill the gaps. Challenge your child’s class teacher about the same.
- Who do you see at birthday parties, family and social events? What places can you go that are more representative of families from different backgrounds?
- How do you initiate or avoid conversations about race, racism, social difference and resistance? Do you anxiously avoid such discussions? Do you validate the question and open the dialogue and find out answers you’re not sure about. Think about what learning, support and resources you need to do better at this.
- Don’t claim not to see colour (we exist, we matter) but equally don’t focus on skin colour as someone’s only identifier
- How do you call out racism when you observe it, whether that’s within or outside of your own home? How do you teach your child to do the same?